Waiting, Longing, Having

This season of life is all the feels. The high and lows, the joys the sorrows. I feel like this year is flying by. It feels full in every sense. And maybe that's why its flying by so quickly.

I have had the opportunity to see certain dreams fulfilled, certain ones die or be a so long for now, and parts of me be resurrected.

It's so much. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so much. Feel the weight of my failures, the sinking depths of disappointment, the thrills of excitement and joy and the restlessness of being human, living everyday in my own limited capacity.

If I had it my way, I would work until dawn to dusk. I would be surrounded by my closest friends, I would feel open and unashamed always. I could change the world through soccer and community efforts by day and by night be on a flight to Copenhagen and on to a new adventure. I would be daring and brave, yet rested and rejuvenated. I would feel self assured and fulfilled.

But here I am limited. Limited in my time and energy. Sometimes I wish I didn't dream so big. Maybe for some people dreams don't feel threatening. But for me they do. Sometimes my dreams haunt me and taunt me. They dare me to make them come true.

And when the dare comes, I never want to back down. I know I am capable. I also I know I live in a time where we have immense opportunity, independence, resources. And in this over abundance of choices, I find myself longing. Or maybe I am just wanted to avoid the pain of regret. That regret is real.

My early twenties were spent living an adventure that I thought were all my dreams coming true until it turned in to a living nightmare.

I then spent my mid twenties picking up the pieces. Back in reality. I was no longer living a nightmare and by no means was living any of the dreams I had for myself. Every dream seemed to be diverted. The longing grew. In my late twenties and til today, I have seen so many dreams come true in my life. I went from being unemployed to working agency life which I dreamed about. I got to return to playing soccer where for the first time in my life felt soccer as a way to worship and not just perform, felt true joy. A new dream was birthed in starting a community soccer program. My longing for friends and community is now full to overflowing. I had reached health milestones that I never thought possible. Most importantly I've healed my relationship with myself, my family and my God. And lately, I have bought a home that lights up my soul everyday. And I am climbing the journey of dipping my toe into entrepreneurship. A dear friend wrote in a letter to me recently that she sees my future as "so, so bright!". And I believe her. And yet I wonder. God did I miss you? How can I be so in love with the life I have and yet it feel like not enough? How can I wake up everyday in a home I love and yet wish my windows overlooked the Colorado Rockies? How can I love my independent life and yet wish there was a man standing by my side? How can I love my friends and community and yet wonder if I missed out on a different experience? How can I know God more now than ever and still sometimes doubt him; feel far from him? How is it that I can look back and see this mountain I have climbed, be so in awe of the view, and yet wonder if I should have taken a different route to get here? And wow, I still have a long way to go. I look back and see the relationships that never worked out, the communities that never became a home for me, I see job opportunities that never came to fruition. I see cities that I never moved to. And I grieve those. I grieve all the opportunities that passed me up, and the ones that I never pursued for one reason or another, whether right or wrong. I look ahead and I see my desire to do international missions, soccer community work, young adult ministry, campus worship nights, be an entrepreneur, be a place of hospitality, have a fully healed body, have a family, to live in Colorado or Tennessee, to have a dog,

I think no matter the course, I have to remember that Christ is the center of it all. My life story, my route is just as important as the destination. How the dream comes true is just as important as it coming true at all. I have to trust the PATH that Christ has me on is the right one. At ever fork in the road wondering whether to go left or right, I have to trust that my decision is either the right one or I will get rerouted to the right one by God's grace and in his timing. Because as much as I would like to think that I am in control of my life, ultimately, my journey is part of God's greater story. To learn to trust the guide, and I get to enjoy the hike, for better or worse, knowing he will lead me to the summit one way or another, so I better take in the views along the way, stop for a break, chat with a friend.

We will long to be at the top quicker than we will get there, we will often have to wait out storms or rest along the way, and once we get there we will probably be ready to move on quicker than we thought.

Enjoy the climb as much as the summit, and the re-routes that happen along the way.