I thought COVID-19 was the trial everyone needed... everyone except me.

In my arrogance, I used to think things like, “This is exactly what so-and-so needs to get their relationship with God back on track” or “He needs this to get things right with his family.” Little did I know that it would take my own world stopping to show me how wrong I was. It took a global pandemic to reveal my own depravity.

Like many others, I’ve realized we overstuff our lives so much that we don’t even feel our own hearts beating. It’s as if I had been living on life support and never even knew it. My life support was called Achievement.

Achievement kept me going when I felt less than, when I felt alone, when I felt like a failure. The proud praises from a coach on the sidelines, my dad’s cheers, fitting in with my peers—these were all drops in the bucket of approval. And as each drop filled up, I would go looking for bigger opportunities to receive even more—more recognition, more accolades, more praise.

But of course, all of that comes at a cost.

At first, the lies I told myself were so smooth. “I work out three times a day because that’s just how much I love soccer.” “I work weekends because I’m that dedicated.” “I can be extra nice to you if it makes you like me more.” My heart was at the mercy of everyone around me, and if I ever dared to say “no,” I feared losing the approval I so desperately needed. Over time, I became so used to the pain in my life that it felt like white noise.

Anytime I didn’t see the results I was looking for, I tried harder—restricted more, scheduled tighter, smiled brighter. Every area of my life felt like a rubber band stretched to its limit—and eventually, they snapped. First, it was soccer, then my weight, then family, friends, my ex-fiance, and more friends. My dreams, my job—every tower I thought I was building to perfection, gone.

Yes, the emptiness was real. But today, I realized the real tragedy wasn’t mourning the loss of these things themselves. It was the work, the pain, the suffering I put myself through to gain personal "glory" and satisfaction from them.

If this doesn’t sound like the plot of an evil Disney villain gone wrong, I don’t know what does. But in my defense, everything I chased was well-intentioned. I wanted to be the best soccer player, daughter, sister, coworker, teammate, student, and friend. Was that really too much to ask? I wanted to be loved—deeply loved and admired.

And maybe that’s just it—I wanted love so badly that I lost sight of the thing I actually needed all along: God’s love.

Love doesn’t come in the form of compliments, awards, a boyfriend, or a "perfect" family or life. God is love. What I needed was Him—all of Him. Not just a little bit. A whole lot. A heart-aching, muscle-tensing, fist-clenching lot.

This past week, my need for God has felt as urgent as the world’s need for a COVID-19 cure—desperate and immediate.

I’m not sure where all of this leaves me right now. I feel a deep sadness as I grieve my past self and the mistakes I made. But I’m sincerely thankful that God has used today to reveal it all to me. I know I am covered by His grace, and all I can do is pray.

A Prayer for Redemption

Heavenly Father, I know You see me. You know me. You were with me every moment of my past, and I know You will continue to lead me through whatever the future may hold. I am sorry for all the areas of my life where I put You second. For all the times I exchanged You for things that would never satisfy. I pray that I would feel the depth of Your comfort and love. Please show me where to go from here. Show me more of who You are, and shape me into the woman You want me to be. I pray that people all over the world will experience You in a new and real way, just like I have. Thank You for redeeming us, for loving us, and for the grace You pour out on our lives.