Let Us Love (pt. 3): Love You Don’t Have to Earn

So how do we gain love? This is another question I’ve been pondering. If it’s not from the things we typically do to gain validation, where does it come from then?

The answer seems obvious—but somehow, it’s still hard.

I think we gain love by accident. I think it’s an outcome we don’t control, because we don’t control other people’s thoughts and emotions.

The thought of not being guaranteed love is scary—at least for me it is. Like, could you imagine going your whole life without love from others? I know I can’t.

We often hear in romantic comedies about women or men “putting themselves out there,” risking rejection because they know the other person has to choose them.

I think we know that to be true, but when push comes to shove, our actions often show that it’s easier said than done. Additionally, I don’t think we apply that same understanding to our relationships with friends or family. But in all relationships, love has to be given.

Love truly is a free gift, I’ve observed.

In relationships where I feel truly loved, I am the most myself. I’m not trying to impress. I’m not trying to be cool or relatable, or overly friendly, or so helpful and kind that they just have to love me.

I’m probably being quiet when I’m tired, talking a million miles a minute when I’m excited, shutting down when I’m overwhelmed, or not afraid to say no when I genuinely don’t want to do something.

With these people, I’m not scared of where I stand with them—because I know where I stand with them. I know that in any of these scenarios—whether I feel like I’m acting “good” or “bad”—their feelings for me will remain the same.

They might get frustrated with me, or confused, or happy, or sad with me. But they won’t love me any more or any less. Because that’s a gift they’ve already given me.

And for my closest friends, I could even imagine them having such awful experiences with me that they might not want to be around me as much—but I’m still pretty confident they’d talk to me about it before saying, “I don’t love you anymore,” and cutting me out of their life.

Actually, I feel like we often do the cutting before we actually stop loving.

Once we really love someone, I think it becomes nearly impossible to truly stop loving them.

Sometimes, when we choose to love someone, it doesn’t even feel like a conscious choice. We’re drawn to people who are genuine—who are confident in themselves and true to who they really are. And we love them for that.

We also love people who make us feel safe, or happy, or excited, or seen, or understood when we’re around them.

When we’re with someone we love, we experience peace and fulfillment just by being with them.

Sometimes, we love someone and we can’t even pinpoint why. We just know we like being around them.

And yet—Christ knows exactly why He loves us.

He loves us because we are His children. He chose us before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1:4–5). Despite our sin, despite not choosing Him, He chose us. Not because of how we make Him feel or what we can give Him, but simply because He desires to be in relationship with us.

He looked into the depths of our souls and still said, “I want her.” “I want him.”And He keeps standing by us—even if we never choose Him back.

God’s love for us is purely and simply a gift.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”—Romans 5:8

You can see His radical love on full display throughout the Old Testament as He continues to pursue the rebellious Israelites. They’ve basically become the poster children for what not to do in a relationship—yet God continues to choose them.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”—Jeremiah 31:3

If love is a gift, then it’s not something we can demand, perform for, or force.And if God—the One who knows us most fully—is also the One who chooses us most freely, then we have all the love we need, already.

Human love is messy. It’s uncertain. And we’ll never be able to control how others feel about us. But we can choose to live from the security of being fully loved by God. That kind of love doesn’t fade with mood or mistake. It doesn’t waver when we fall short.

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!”—1 John 3:1

So maybe gaining love isn’t something we do.Maybe it’s something we receive.

And maybe the most freeing thing we can do is stop chasing love that must be earned, and start living into love that’s already been given.