Playing for Kicks.

I was recently speaking with the mom of a 10-year-old girl I personally train in soccer. The daughter had just joined one of the most elite clubs in the nation and the mom was explaining how sometimes it looks like she is timid or frozen on the field.

As soon as she said this, it gave me a flashback to my own soccer experience. After playing my entire career at a small local club—one known for poor parent coaches and average-at-best players—I jumped ship in 8th grade. I was the first one on my team to ever leave and try out for another club. And not just any club—this one had just entered the National League and was one of the top four teams in the state.

By the skin of my teeth and the grace of God, the coach took a chance on me and I made the team.

I remember feeling so incredibly unqualified.

During one of our first games of the season, we played a friendly against another local club with a guest coach running the show. My Yugoslavian coach’s friend, Drago, would be leading us. Even though my actual coach wasn’t there, I wanted to make my team proud.

He subbed me into center mid—a position I hadn’t played since childhood. I felt disoriented and completely scared. Every time I got the ball, I just made the easiest, safest pass. I kept my touches minimal and stayed close to my mark.

Minutes later, Drago pulled me out of the game.

“Looks like you’re afraid out there,” he said. I was confused, not really picking up what he meant.

“You can’t play like you’re scared of making a mistake. You need to play strong, with confidence. You will always make mistakes, but it’s more important to create opportunities. Clean up mistakes as they come.”

For being a guest coach, how could he see through me so easily? He was right. I was scared—scared of letting my teammates down. But in playing that way, I became more of a liability than an asset. I was so afraid to leave my mark that I often wasn’t even a passing option. My teammates had to do more work to compensate for me.

In life, I’ve often lived the same way—afraid of making mistakes. I took the “safe bet.” I was the rule-follower, got good grades, did my chores, respected my parents (mostly!). Being homeschooled, I didn’t want to stick out. I wanted to blend in. I went to extremes to hide being different, terrified of being “found out.”

I was wrestling with imposter syndrome before I even knew what it was.

But always doing the “right” thing and never taking risks left me lonely. I struggled with perfectionism, the fear of failure, and the fear of rejection. It felt like the only way I could have joy was by treading carefully—analyzing every situation with the thoroughness of a brain surgeon. Instead, it left me anxious, nervous, and silent. I lived so many days without the courage to speak, to share truth, or to put myself out there.

Fear had its grip on me. In trying to control the narrative of my life, I only ended up lonelier and more misunderstood. All I really wanted was to feel connected and loved.

It’s funny how the very thing we fear can end up coming true by our own doing—a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When I finally received permission to play how I knew how—to stop worrying so much about mistakes and simply correct them when they came—it changed me. I began to play with boldness, and my skills naturally followed.

I realized in high school that I play my best soccer when I play from a place of joy and gratitude, trusting that my skills, hard work, and knowledge of the game have been refined enough to carry me. I could trust in the work I had put in since I was five, and during the game, I could finally play free.

Now, when I step into new or scary situations, I look upward instead of inward for confidence. I know I can trust in the goodness, faithfulness, and assuredness of Christ to lead me. God already has my back. He’s seen every mistake I’ve made and will make. He knows the depth of my heart and still loves me, still roots for me.

I am free to make mistakes because my perfect God has already covered me with His grace. I get to walk in boldness and freedom because I am already fully loved and fully chosen. Even if I mess up tomorrow, I know God has forgiven me, and He will help me make it right. Today, I get to trust God instead of trusting only myself to do the right thing.

Where in your life are you playing in fear instead of freedom? Are you doubting your skills at work or school? Are you nervous to step out and be yourself with others?

On the other side of fear is freedom. Take that step of faith—live life from a place of freedom, not fear.

“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind”

2 Timothy 1:7